Jared and Jane (part 1) by Jessica Burton

Jane walks into back the waiting room after her doctor’s appointment, sitting in a dull gray-green uncomfortable pleather chair to collect herself. Her glasses are foggy from crying, making it hard for her to see her phone to call her husband, letting him know she’s ready to go. Jane feels panic as she hears the dial tone, abandonment being one of her biggest fears. He picks up on her emotional tone once he answers and sighs, knowing she has had another difficult appointment at the Pain Management Clinic. He’s waiting in the parking lot, as waiting in the lobby can be a challenge for him because of his own illnesses. She quickly tells him that she’s ready to go and puts her phone away, she stands and gathers her belongings. As she walks out, her husband, Jared, pulls up to the entrance. Jane opens the door with mascara stained cheeks, and Jared asks, “Are you okay, honey?” Jane chokes back tears and tells him, “No, I’m not okay. Just like last time, he treated me like a criminal because I’m not using my medications like they think I should be. Do they not understand the anxiety I experience due to the way things are now? Do they not get that I don’t want to be on these medications all the time because they change who I am? Or how they make me sleep all the time? I wish they just listened to me… Could you come in with me next time and talk to my doctor with me?” Jared sighed again in response and agreed. He knows that his wife deals with immense amounts of pain daily, on top of the other illnesses she battles on a day-to-day basis; if him speaking to her pain management doctor does something, then of course he will help.

As they drive off, Jared makes a mental note of doing something before they get home to make her feel better. He loves and supports Jane unconditionally and wishes he could take her pain for her. Jane lives with fibromyalgia, and C-PTSD; Fibromyalgia is widespread pain and tenderness that can also cause fatigue, memory issues, and sleep problems. C-PTSD is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is a psychological disorder that is believed to happen to individuals who have been exposed to repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse, neglect or abandonment by a caregiver or someone they are supposed to trust and love. Jane has taken part in years of therapy, yoga, and other self-help options; she does couples therapy with Jared too. Jared has his own health problems, like anxiety and depression, so therapy is beneficial for him as well. Jane has done every alternative therapy recommended to her by her doctor at the pain management clinic. She exercises, she practices yoga, she does mindfulness techniques, and she has lost a significant amount of weight; yet, her pain is the same. Jane has recently been told to practice something called ‘pain acceptance’, which is where you accept and deal with the lowest amount of pain that you can handle. This is a controversial pain management alternative, as patients like Jane don’t believe that they should have to accept a lower quality of life due to the abuse of narcotics by others. Jane notices that, even though it’s 11:15 AM, Jared is pulling into the Little Caesar’s parking lot. “Jared! It’s still morning!” Jared then smiles, and says, “Hun, your happiness is my happiness and I know this is your favorite comfort food. I want you to smile. We don’t have to go back to the clinic for another month. It’s going to be okay.” Jane looks over at Jared, smiling to herself while thinking of how lucky she is, to have a partner that listens, understands and cares as much about her health or more than she does. He pulls through the drive through, orders her usual, and hands it to Jane. Jane now has more tears falling down her face, but they’re not tears of sadness. Those tears are tears of joy and appreciation. She takes a napkin out of the bag and begins wiping away her tears, telling Jared, “Thank you, Jare-bear, I appreciate you.” Jared smiles and nods, he doesn’t have to reply. He knows this gesture overwhelmed her with emotions, but in the best way possible. He knows she understands and knows too. “When I get home, I’m going to add to the blog about this appointment. It’s sparking an interest in how many others deal with similar issues at their clinics too. I know that I can’t be the only one,” Jane says with a tremor in her tone and a distant look in her eyes as she looks at Jared while holding the hot pizza box on her lap.

Jane gets home and as she gets out of the car, Jared declares today a, “MENTAL HEALTH DAY!” where Jane and Jared will do self-care, watch movies and be together for the rest of the day. It’s a Friday and they both have understanding employers – themselves. They own a successful business together, so they are their own bosses and can declare any day they choose a mental health day. Jared doesn’t always get to spend a day with Jane, as he is the one doing the most work in the community so today is a treat for them both, after another difficult appointment that morning. Jane goes inside, sets her stuff down, taking the pizza to the kitchen so she can get her laptop. She opens her laptop and boots up her blog, checking for any new feedback or comments. As she lets the word processing program start up, she fixes her plate and starts to enjoy her lunch while brainstorming blog post ideas. Ding! A notification pops up as Jared enters the kitchen, smiling at his wife’s messy but happy face. Jared kisses Jane on the cheek and steals a bite of her slice while she reads the notification. The message reads, “Hey Jane! I know you’re a chronic pain activist, I was wondering if you could explain some of this opiate epidemic and how pain patients aren’t getting the care they deserve. It’s all very confusing, and you seem to have a handle on it. Thanks Jane!” Raising her eyebrow, she looks at Jared and repeats the question she just received. Jared shrugs, and says, “Well, you now have a starting point for your blog post today, don’t you?” Jane nods, and says, “I’m only taking an hour and a half to write this blog post, as today is supposed to be a mental health day. Could you get everything else setup so when I’m done, we’re ready for some serious relaxation?” Her husband smirks and nods, and says, “You better bring the snacks, woman, I’ll be waiting!” He goes off to prepare for Mental Health Day 2018, and Jane starts on her blog post.

I sat down after my appointment this morning to collect myself and to clean my foggy, wet glasses so I can see again. Being legally blind is more difficult when you’re fogging up your own glasses because you’re crying. I’m crying because I was treated horribly, again, by my pain management clinic. Every time that I go in, they have me do a urine sample so they can test for drugs and other substances that I’m not prescribed. The doctor also requires us to bring in our medication bottles, so they can count the number of pills I have. They then analyze how many I’m using in a day, and if that is my prescribed amount. If I have too many pills left, I get questioned. If I’ve taken a dose too many, I’ll get a lecture. They can read my medical chart, it’s right there in front of them. I have serious, diagnosed illnesses. Why am I being treated so horribly?

When I got home from my appointment, my laptop dinged with a question. “Hey Jane! I know you’re a chronic pain activist, I was wondering if you could explain some of this opiate epidemic and how pain patients aren’t getting the care they deserve. It’s all very confusing, and you seem to have a handle on it. Thanks Jane!” This question came from anonymous. Almost perfect timing, as I told my husband in the car on the way home that I wanted to make a post about my experience today. I knew I wasn’t alone, and this question confirmed that feeling I had. As a chronic pain patient, I live this life myself. I’m treated like criminal or like I have an addiction. I have neither – I just want to live a life that is normal, productive and mine. I get treated like this at my pain management clinic, at my primary care doctor’s office, at the pharmacy, anywhere medical that learns about my pain medications. It’s not fair, and upsetting, as I do not deserve to live in pain. No one with chronic pain deserves to live in pain. With doctors pushing alternative methods, like yoga, clean eating, weight loss, therapy, pain acceptance, it’s understandable that people are confused and need help.

Jane steps back, as an hour and a half has somehow passed and she needs to hold up her promise with Jared. She collects and prepares snacks for Mental Health Day 2018, and sets them all up on a tray to bring out to the living room. “Jane!” Jared gently yells. “I know! I’m getting snacks!” Jane says, as she picks up the heavy, overflowing tray and heads to the living room. Jane’s favorite movie is already on the TV, and the lights are dimmed. “Time to get too involved in Alien,” Jane says to herself as she sinks down into the fluffy couch.